It’s been just over a month since I lost my mom. Sometimes, the grief is so intense, it hurts. Physically hurts. Other times, I can talk about it, have a semi-normal day, and even laugh. I haven’t left the house much though.
Going in public gives me extreme anxiety. I have been able to compartmentalize my feelings and can “open the grief drawer” when I want. Normally, it’s in a bath, my JBL speaker playing songs that make miss her, and a glass of wine. Normally, I can feel the “I need a bath” wave coming and plan my night accordingly. Other times, I keep busy crevice cleaning my home.
I have ventured out to go to the grocery store and have gone to lunch a couple times. Each time, I get high anxiety and almost chicken out. The grocery store is harder. I scan the isles for familiar faces, turn the other way to avoid conversation, grab my items and leave. So far, those attempts have been successful. Yesterday, my friend and lunch date asked me what it was that scared me most. Basically, being in public takes away my ability to control when I have to face those feelings. The question, “How are you doing?”, could be the ice pick that chips away at my weak armor.
During the lunch date, I also had a light bulb moment. I have an entire year of “firsts”, opportunities to celebrate her life and I’m hiding in my home, avoiding people, avoiding life. I get to also choose how this year of firsts is going to be remembered. So far, I am failing. In order to make it all that she was, I also need to find a job and be able to go into public. 
What are some ways you are celebrating your own year of firsts?
Riding Roller Coasters 